Like much of the United States, we were buried in snow this last weekend—we got around two feet! I keep thinking, so this is what it feels like to live in Minnesota, as we hit 0-degree temperatures. And then I think, “We are all part of Minnesota,” as I struggle to find better words for what’s going on in the United States right now. I know I’m not alone. That’s why today’s letter is about how we talk to each other.

Also, there are so many ways that people respond to world events. A gentle reminder that some people freeze, collapse, or even dissociate — and others get activated, angry, or vocal. These are actually pretty normal responses. Jess Jackson writes, "Don’t be too hard on yourself, pal. That thing you’re doing (sleeping too much or too little, forgetting to eat, ghosting your friends, picking up old habits) is probably your nervous system having a healthy response to fascism." And yes, it's appropriate to call it fascism now. The word is thrown around a lot. I share what I'm reading down below (with gift article links you can read).

All in all? Do what you can. Be kind to yourself and to others.

— SKP

I didn't learn how to talk about hard things until well into my 30s...

I believe that one of the primary reasons it’s hard to tell people about tough stuff is because of how they react.

Imagine someone comes to you with a tender story. Maybe they’ve lost a pregnancy, they’re disappointed in an outcome, or they didn’t get what they wanted—honestly, it doesn’t matter so much what the exact subject matter is. What matters most is how they feel about it, and that they’re sharing it with you.

“Oh, it’ll all work out in the end,” someone says about your story, waving their hand, pretending it’ll just magically happen. In doing this, they skip past the pain and avoid the hard emotions.

Or another person says, “You know, my friend tried these exotic plants and that worked for them,” believing they are being ‘helpful’ by offering you random solutions. Or imagine someone says, “you can always adopt!” as though adoption is a simple and easy fix.

But when people try to ‘fix’ the problem with ‘helpful’ solutions, when they dismiss your feelings, or when they seem uncomfortable spending time with you in the sticky stuff, this creates rifts instead of connection. This leads us to keep things close to our heart and miss out on the deeper connections we want and need.

After so many missed connections and shallow conversations, I began to realize something important:

We need people who are willing to be there with us when it's messy, difficult, hard, or sad. When we don't have an answer. When we don't need advice or solutions, but rather to be seen and accepted exactly we are.

Whatever news you’re reeling from—whether it’s infertility news, loss, or any realm of life’s toughest challenges, what most people want is to be met with tenderness and compassion.

So how do we get better at meeting each other in the tough stuff with compassion and kindness?

First, we need to break some bad habits.

HERE’S WHAT NOT TO DO

• Don’t dismiss or rush past it.
• Don’t try to fix it or solve it.
• Don’t give unsolicited advice.
• Please, please don’t say that everything happens for a reason.
• Don’t tell a story about what someone else did and how it worked for them.
• ... unless the explicitly ask you for one of these things.

When people come to you in a place of vulnerability, sharing something tender and difficult for them, they are trusting you with their heart. Sharing something hard is an offering of bravery.

How you respond matters.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there with them in whatever their truth is. For them, it may have been devastating. It may be a hard feeling. It may be their first time going through something like this. It could also be something they've dealt with or that they want to keep private.

But we don't know what it's like for them. That's why we make space to listen and to really hear. This is what compassion and empathy are about—the ability to be present with someone and to be there for them.

Listening is about truly seeing and hearing the person in front of you, in real time. It's releasing your mental chatter (what your mind thinks, what you believe)—and truly noticing what they are actually saying.

If you try to rush past it, if you quickly try to fix it or solve it, if you tell them what you think they should do about it, you’re communicating to them that these awful feelings—which are a part of them in this moment—are things to be avoided, fixed, or patched up as fast as possible. The subtle consequence of jumping in to ‘fix’ something for someone else is that we can accidentally communicate that these feelings are “bad” or “scary” and they should be avoided at all costs.

When people come to you in a place of vulnerability, sharing something tender and difficult for them, they are trusting you with their heart. Sharing something hard is an offering of bravery.   SARAH K PECK

When you don't avoid the hard stuff, you make space for real connection.

Feelings aren’t bad. They’re feelings. Pain wants to be felt. But more people will avoid feeling pain at all costs (and end up feeling so much more pain!). Pain wants to be expressed, transmuted, listened to, and released. When we allow space for feelings, and we are witnessed and cared for by others, it can make all the difference.

HERE'S WHAT I'VE LEARNED TO DO INSTEAD:

• Acknowledge what they’ve shared.
• Validate their experience.
• Say thank you for their bravery—it took courage for them to tell you this.
• Pause. Allow space for what’s happening.
• Ask them how they are feeling about it.
• Let them tell you more about it, if they want to share.

SCRIPTS & WORDS YOU CAN USE:

Words like "This sounds so hard," and "You're dealing with a lot right now," can be so validating. Here are a few ideas:

Why do we learn these phrases? Because having hard conversations is a skill, and it's not one that we're trained deeply in at school, work, or life.

Over the years, I've found that showing up and listening changes the game when it comes to friendship. Learning how to listen—which was really hard for me! I practiced for years, please know this—changed the way that my friends and I talked, shared, and opened up.

When we learn these skills, we open up worlds of conversation and connection. Because what else is friendship, if not learning how to tell people who you really are?

I've written out nearly twenty (20!) different scripts, phrases, and language you can use when you're navigating these kinds of hard conversations.

​You can find the scripts written out here if you'd like to go deeper.

By listening well and allowing space for people to show up vulnerably, you become a really good friend to others.

And we all need good friends.

— Sarah

READ THE GUIDE HERE → WHAT TO SAY

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Quotes I'm Thinking About:

I've started sharing quotes that I'm thinking about over on LinkedIn, whether it's words from friends and colleagues, or ideas from thousands of years ago. Here are the latest:

🗣️ "𝘐𝘵 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵, 𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦." — Ellen Peck

🗣️ "𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺." — Mom's Group

🗣️ “𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦. 𝘖𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘦. 𝘋𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦. 𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵. 𝘖𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘣𝘭𝘦. 𝘙𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘙𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺.”​
​— Jordan Maney

And the one I can't stop thinking about is one that's attributed to Jiddu Krishnamurti (although the longer quote is more accurate).

QUOTE OF THE WEEK "It is not a measure of health to be well adjusted to a sick society." — Jiddu Krishnamurti While this is widely attributed to Krishnamurti, the Foundation for his work explains the fuller context of the quote. Read the longer quote here (in the notes).​

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Events + Workshops

In Conversation with Amy Wilson of "What Fresh Hell"

Wednesday, February 4th @ 1:00PM Eastern

Amy Wilson, the co-host of the widely popular podcast, What Fresh Hell, is out with a book about being a people pleaser trying to do it ALL, and failing epically. Join us for a conversation with Amy Wilson.There are 20 spaces available — RSVP for a spot here.​

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Making Big Decisions: Live Training with Decision Engineer Michelle Florendo

Wednesday, February 11th @ 1:00PM Eastern

​Some decisions shape our families, our work, our wellbeing, and the entire direction of our lives. And yet we’re often asked to make them with limited time, incomplete information, and a whole lot of pressure. If you’ve been craving a clearer, calmer way to make big decisions, this workshop is for you.

​Ten spaces remaining. Tickets are $30 but use the coupon code SNOWSTORM for half off if you register before January 31st!

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Also! Run Your Own Mastermind​

Build and lead a high-integrity group programs to scale your work beyond 1:1.

🟡 COMING SOON: How To Run Your Own Mastermind! 🟡

I am putting together my next live training, where I'll be teaching a six-week workshop series all about running groups, creating group containers, facilitating skillfully, and more. We'll have live demos, per workshops, and I'll unpack my playbook, scripts, tools, templates and more so you can successfully run your own group programs and masterminds. Get on the early bird access list by registering here.

I'll be sharing the syllabus, course outline, and early-access pricing with those on the waiting list first. It will be a limited group size, so if you're curious to learn more and be a part of this training, get on the wait list! Here's the link: startupparent.com/ryom

That's all for today.

Take care of yourselves, be kind to one another, and I'll see you again next week.

Sarah K Peck CEO of The Wise Women’s Council. Host of The Startup Parent Podcast. 20-time NCAA All-American. Want to strengthen your facilitation, leadership, and communication skills? Let’s talk.