"Why can’t I get everything done? Why am I so behind? Will I ever catch up?"
A few years ago, I was talking to a senior leader at an aerospace engineering firm. Much of his work involved calculating advanced risk and probability at the highest levels of math.
At one point, an adjacent team asked him to compute all the possible likelihoods and outcomes. While I don’t know the exact equations, I do remember the punchline.
“No, we can’t do that,” the aerospace engineer said.
“What do you mean, no?” the team replied. “We have to know all the risks.”
They pushed back, insisted, said that this was essential to the work, and if we didn't do it, we'd be in big trouble.
“It’s not possible,” the engineer replied.
“That math problem, if we run it, will take 634 years.”
Therein lies the absurdity.
Today’s work (and life) expectations are absurd.
Much of our expectations about life and work surpass the boundaries of time and reason, yet we still operate as though we might be able to do it if we just push a little harder. These impossible ideals can be explained as three myths that “animate much of American life,” according to Christine M. Beckman and Melissa Mazmanian, two professors who research social innovation and informatics, respectively.
In an interview, Mazmanian describes three myths of work and life that are impossible: be an ideal worker, while also a perfect parent, and have an ultimate body.
The first myth, they explain in their recent book, Dreams of the Overworked: Living, Working, and Parenting in the Digital Age, is that of the “ideal worker,” who “has no competing obligations that might get in the way of total devotion to the workplace.”
The second is that of the “perfect parent,” who “always puts family first.”
And the third is that of the “ultimate body,” which is cultivated through diligent dieting and exercise, and doesn’t deteriorate with age.
“Achieving even one of these myths would be impossible,” Mazmanian told Joe Pinsker in an interview, “but achieving all three is ludicrous.”
Absurd (adjective): wildly unreasonable, illogical, or inappropriate.
Ludicrous (adjective) so foolish, unreasonable, or out of place as to be amusing; ridiculous.
How to push back against this:
1. Acknowledge the absurdity, reject the game.
The first step out of the trap is to remember that it’s a trap.
When we accept the game that is given to us without questioning it, we suffer all of the consequences of the game.
The faster you run on the hamster wheel, the more likely you’ll forget that you’re on the wheel in the first place. The sanest possible action is actually to slow down and STEP OFF THE WHEEL. If you keep trying to run faster—which is what all of us are doing, for the most part—you'll end up flying off the wheel into chaos and wreckage.
The faster you run on the hamster wheel, the more likely you’ll forget that you’re on the wheel in the first place. The sanest possible action is to slow down and step off the wheel. If you keep trying to run faster, you'll end up flying off the wheel into chaos and wreckage.
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2. Remind yourself who the winners really are.
You’ll never be able to perform as an ideal worker, a perfect parent, or have the ultimate body. This is a fantasy. Plus, the game is not actually designed to benefit you. The carrot of “being perfect” is an idea designed to entice you to keep trying so you don’t look around at anything else.
Remember:
- The idea of the Ideal Worker is an idea that decidedly benefits shareholders, employers, and rigid workplace cultures that rely on invisible labor for growing profits. It does not benefit you. Even if you run your own company, it won’t survive if you run yourself into the ground.
- The Perfect Parent idea keeps mothers (and nowadays, fathers) feeling guilty. This guilt is the fuel which encourages moms to run around performing huge amounts of unpaid invisible labor for society. The guiltier you feel, the harder you'll race. Remember: someone else is getting leisure time right now because you’re racing.
- The Ultimate Body is an idea of control and conformity that teaches you to dislike and fight against your very being, stealing presence and joy out from under you. You are not more or less deserving because your mind recycles cultural ideals about what theoretical perfect bodies are supposed to be.
3. Say obvious things out loud.
Sometimes it helps to state the obvious out loud, especially if you’re dealing with a challenging boss or colleague. I find that naming the asks and consequences in simple language to be extraordinarily powerful.
“What I’m hearing is that there’s an expectation I’ll be on my phone from 6am until 11pm every day, responding to every message over a 16 hour window—is that what I’m hearing? If not, what are the alternatives?”
You can propose swapping days with people, or setting more reasonable boundaries. “Going forward, when I leave work at 7pm, I turn my phone off unless we’ve agreed otherwise. I can work late one evening per week, so please let me know which one is the best night for me to be on call.”
Much of culture, guilt, and power dynamics rely on things remaining unspoken or unsaid. When you say them out loud (without blame or shame, but listing it factually), reasonable people will understand the ludicrousness of the situation.
Much of culture, guilt, and power dynamics rely on things remaining unspoken or unsaid. When you say them out loud, reasonable people will respond with understanding.
SARAH K PECK
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4. Flip it and reverse it.
This is a mental mindset exercise that takes a minute to get behind.
Whenever you have a belief or a narrative that's driving you, take a moment to pause and write it down. For example, you're a parent and you're declining to participate in the upcoming bake sale.
Automatic belief: "I'm such a bad parent, because I can't manage to bake treats for the upcoming bake sale, why can't I get my shoes* together?"
Then, write down the opposite of what you wrote above.
For example, “I’m not doing the bake sale, and that is why I am a good enough parent.”
Change the story from one of deficit (“not doing this” = “I’m bad.”) and write down the opposite sentence. (“not doing this” = “I’m good.”)
It creates some real cognitive dissonance when we tell two different stories about the same behaviors in our brains. The more we write the reverse statement, the more we can un-hook from the unconscious beliefs that have seeped into our brains from years of accumulation.
The idea is not necessarily to force yourself to believe the new statement, but to make conscious the underlying narratives that are running amok in your brain.
IN SUMMARY
Today’s work and life expectations are absurd.
The three myths of work and life that are impossible to fulfill: (1) be an ideal worker, (2) a perfect parent, and (3) have an ultimate body.
Here’s a way to fight back:
- Acknowledge the absurdity and reject the game.
- Step back and look at who really benefits.
- Say the obvious things out loud.
- Flip it and reverse it: Turn not doing it all into the reason why you’re actually a good person, a great parent, an excellent employee/boss, and a wonderful caretaker of your gloriously squishy, absolutely wonderfully-real human body.
You can read the full essay with more examples here if you'd like to go deeper.
You are not behind. You never were.
— Sarah
Quotes I'm Thinking About:
I've started sharing quotes that I'm thinking about over on LinkedIn, whether it's words from friends and colleagues, or ideas from thousands of years ago. Here are the latest:
🗣️ "When we don't ask for what we need, we discount ourselves."
— Melody Beattie
🗣️ "When we’re growing up there are all sorts of people telling us what to do when really what we need is space to work out who to be."
— Elliot Page
🗣️ "How do you know you are on the right path? When you don't abandon yourself anymore."
— Caroline Myss
🗣️ "You are made one of a kind with all of your oddities, because eccentricities are the first sign of giftedness. You have oddities because they are the arrows pointing directly to your gifts. So never be ashamed of how strange you are. There is treasure in that strangeness."
— Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"You are made one of a kind with all of your oddities, because eccentricities are the first sign of giftedness. You have oddities because they are the arrows pointing directly to your gifts. So never be ashamed of how strange you are. There is treasure in that strangeness."
— Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés
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Events + Workshops
In Conversation with Amy Wilson of "What Fresh Hell"
Wednesday, February 4th @ 1:00PM Eastern
Amy Wilson, the co-host of the widely popular podcast, What Fresh Hell, is out with a book about being a people pleaser trying to do it ALL, and failing epically. Join us for a conversation with Amy Wilson.
RSVP for a spot here.
Making Big Decisions: Live Training with Decision Engineer Michelle Florendo
Wednesday, February 11th @ 1:00PM Eastern
Some decisions shape our families, our work, our wellbeing, and the entire direction of our lives. And yet we’re often asked to make them with limited time, incomplete information, and a whole lot of pressure. If you’ve been craving a clearer, calmer way to make big decisions, this workshop is for you.
A few overflow spaces remaining.
Setting Boundaries & Saying No — with Sarah K. Peck
Wednesday, February 18 — 1:00 PM - 2:30 PM EST
Saying “No” is a critical leadership skill. But women are taught to hedge, soften, over-explain, and apologize. Saying no isn’t selfish. It’s clear, it’s kind, it’s valuable, and it’s important. Saying no is about integrity and deeper wisdom. It’s about living in alignment with your values. And the better you get at saying no, the more freedom, space, and time you have again. And it’s learnable.
Join the workshop here.
Build and lead high-integrity group programs to scale your work beyond 1:1.
🟡 COMING SOON: How To Run Your Own Mastermind! 🟡
I am putting together my next live training, where I'll be teaching a six-week workshop series all about running groups, creating group containers, facilitating skillfully, and more. We'll have live demos, peer workshops, and I'll unpack my playbook, scripts, tools, templates and more so you can successfully run your own group programs and masterminds. Get on the early bird access list by registering here.
I'll be sharing the syllabus, course outline, and early-access pricing with those on the waiting list first. It will be a limited group size, so if you're curious to learn more and be a part of this training, get on the wait list! Here's the link: startupparent.com/ryom
That's all for today.
Take care of yourselves, be kind to one another, and I'll see you again next week.
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Sarah K Peck
CEO of The Wise Women’s Council. Host of The Startup Parent Podcast. 20-time NCAA All-American. Want to strengthen your facilitation, leadership, and communication skills? Let’s talk.
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